Learning Who I Am

so im sitting here in my house looking back at what life has been composed over the last 19 years. and i wonder? what the hell have i accomplished so far? lets see: i graduated from a catholic elementary school.Almost got kicked out of that school too by the way if wasnt for me getting myself together and my parents pleading with adminstration not to kick me out. i didnt take anything seriously; in eighth grade they was telling us study hard for the coop exam so that you can score high and maybe get yourself a scholarship to a good catholic high school. the day of the coop exam, i still didnt take it seriously; i took my time when i shouldve been quick and efficient, too concerned about looking good in front of others, not trying to look like a nerd. denying my intelligence from myself and not allowing myself to accomplish the great things that i can get accomplished. i remember in those times i used to dream about being something, i had an ambition to become great. somewhere along those years something in me has changed that has made lose sight of that ambition. after catholic school i ended up going to a local public high school. i went in a timid kid, innocent yet not a saint, i laugh at thinking that i wasnt ambitious as i shouldve been. high school shouldve been nothing but a smooth ride. instead i became too worried about looking good. again denying the very intelligence that i was blessed with. in tenth grade im in math class learning about quadratic equations and simplifying and multiplying them with each other. simple high school bullshit, yet im the only one in the class that was able to take those equations and do them in my head. the teacher brought in her superiors to show them my talent. i gladly obliged and when they saw what i could do they were amazed and told me to keep up the good work. but yet despite all the praise i received from my teacher, the next day i would go about and cause trouble making her out to seem like a bad teacher because she was strict and wanted us to learn. the funny thing is that after all the yelling and arguing with the teacher at the end of the class i would go up to her and apoligize like if this was just some gimmick that i was pulling off in front of others. the wannabe cool kid that was trying to look cool in front of his peers so that he would be accepted into the social hierarchy, the wannabe cool kid who didnt want the world to know that he was friends with geeks. geeks who were ordinary people striving to be the best at what they were learning because they wanted to get somewhere in life. i denied myself of an ambitious desire that once used to be inside of me; i showed some of it in tenth grade when i made a bet with my science teacher that i could get the highest grade in her class and on the science regeants. she bet me two lunches. two lunches was all it took for me to be able to be the top of my class for that semester. how selfish and selfloathing that sounds? my parents came here from another country to give me a better life and im making deals to get free lunch in exchange for my hard work and dedication to my studies. wow! i must admit i never really thought about how foolish and selfish i have become. my father tried to teach me the meaning of hard work and value of doing things the correct way; i have learned that lesson a long time ago but my dad doesnt realize it because i dont show it. he told me dont settle for nothing less than the best; give it your all because you only get one shot. yet i am lazy, can be unreliable at times and have become the definition of procrastination (i dont know what it is that makes me so lazy). i say something but never get it done. i know the meaning of ambitious yet dont live up to it. i have proved to myself that if i put my mind to something that i really want then i can get it, that no one can stop me from accomplishing it. "i am a product of my own environment": bullshit! your environment does not decide the decisions that you make in your life. you make your own decisions, you decide whether you want to suceed or prevail. this is not a statement of self hate or lack of confidence: this is a statement of acknowledging the weaknesses. my weaknesses. so far, up to this point in my life, i have graduated from catholic elementary school, public high school, and now i am in the middle of what could possibly be the best years of my life. yet, i am still trying to decide who am i!? am i the guy that is trying to fit in or am i the guy that makes others want fit in? am i the trend setter or the follower? the leader or the worshiper? how did i become the person that i am now? i think about it now and i feel like i have been following all my life. but then this thought kicks in: to be a true leader you must first learn how to follow. what does that really mean? how do you follow without losing your own individuality and identity? without losing yourself? and as i think about that i am learning how to do that now. i mean think about it: i joined a fraternity that is founded on ideals and beliefs, an organization that i am proud to be a part of because we aim to unite not to divide. and when i think about it i realize how wrong i have lived my life in the past. i learned to value my friends and my family. but now i am at a crossroads: who am i? am i the geek, the nerd, the mr. know-it-all? or am i mr. popular, the jock, the star?

you know whats funny that if you look up geek in the thesaurus online, you get a whole bunch of synonyms but one of my favorites is scholar. scholar, which is another word for intellectual. so now here is where i decide: that i want to be the geek, the nerd, the mr. know-it-all, the scholar.... the intellectual. because at the end of the day "Knowing others is wisdom but knowing yourself is enlightenment"- Lao tzu.